Healing Journey ~ Longings

After Timothy had been gone a few months, I periodically experienced a deep, intense longing in my heart to see my son, talk to him, and have him back, which felt physically and emotionally unbearable. This terrifying, empty loneliness would overwhelm me at random times, making me think I would die from my heart literally bursting. People told me these panic attacks were par for the course, and they would ease over time, but I knew I couldn't live this way!

I went to the Bible, intent on finding something to help heal the longing of my heart. I just opened my Bible at random (the Holy Flop, as Timothy called it), and this verse was before my eyes: “He satisfies the longing soul…” (Psalm 107:9). So I backed up a verse to see HOW he satisfied the longing soul. “Oh, that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men.”

I realized praise was the answer, but I didn’t have any praise to give. I absolutely couldn't. I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to me, "Can you just read the verse to Me?"

If this was my path to healing, I was determined to try, so I read the verse aloud as my sacrifice of praise to the Lord. “I praise you, Lord, for your goodness (I knew in my intellect that God was still ultimately good -He's God, after all - even if I didn't like or understand what had happened) and for your wonderful works to the children of men.” As soon as I had uttered those words, the deep, painful longing that squeezed my chest and felt like a vice-grip on my heart left. I literally felt it leave.

That has been a few months ago, and the deep intense longing has all but vanished. There were a couple of times I felt its shadow, but I offered my sacrifice of praise, and it disappeared. There are many aspects of this grieving journey (some I have been able to successfully give to Jesus, and some that I am still working on), but that death-grip of loneliness and longing no longer controls my life.

Lord, help me to praise you - if not with my emotions, then let me praise you as an act of faith. If I can't do it out of devotion, remind me to do it out of desperation. Thank you for showing me that your worthiness doesn't depend on my circumstances. You are always worthy of my praise. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

"From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same, the Lord's name is to be praised." Psalm 113:3