Healing Journey ~ An Unlikely Prophetess

"Why are you crying, *Amy?”

Amy has cerebral palsy and carries her feelings on her shoulders. She cries loudly about pretty much everything, good or bad.

“I don’t want to go home early!” she wailed. Her entire body was heaving with the sobs.

“You aren’t going home early,” I explained. “This is the time I had planned for you to go home because I’m going caroling tonight. I knew when I invited you that we would have to leave at 5:00, so it’s not early – it’s the plan.”

My logic was falling on deaf ears. New tactic: I got the calendar off the wall and showed her that almost every day and evening in December was filled in. “I wanted you to be able to come and visit this month, so I penciled you in this afternoon, right before caroling. Would you rather I hadn’t invited you at all? What if I had said, ‘Amy won’t like it if we leave at 5:00, so I had better not have her come over.’?”

Amy looked forward to her visits at my house like most kids look forward to a trip to Disney. She paused her sobbing and slowly answered, “Noooo.”

“Ok, then, let’s get started toward the door.” Amy uses a walker, and has to start moving well ahead of time to actually leave. But she still wasn’t budging. She started wailing again and blubbered, “I might not get to see Herb!”

For some reason, Herb is Amy’s super-hero, and she was terrified she might not get to see him. Minutes were ticking away while she bawled, and I tried in vain to get her to co-operate with the plan. I was beginning to frazzle.

“Let’s not worry about what we might miss. Let’s look at what you got to do today!” I listed in my most enthusiastic voice all the fun she had had: “You got to decorate cookies! You got to have a tea party with your friends (we invite the church ladies on ‘Amy Day’ for coffee and snacks – it’s a big event)! You got to rub *Miss Evie’s arm (a favorite activity, which most people don’t appreciate); you got to drink 3 cups of coffee and eat all you wanted! You even got a Christmas Gift! Let’s be grateful for what you did get to do, instead of crying about what you might miss!”

At that moment, the Lord spoke to my heart, “Really? Are you seriously going to tell her that - when you are just like her?”

All of my conversation with Amy came tumbling back to me in an instant as if from God Himself:

“Timothy didn’t go home early, it was the plan... I knew the number of his days before he was ever born. Would you rather I wouldn’t have invited you into his life because it would be too painful when it was time for him to go home?... Let’s not focus on the years you didn't get with him and the things you miss about him ... Let’s be grateful for all the things you got to do with him while he was here ...”

Silence.

I forced myself to think of all the things I was privileged to do with Timothy. I got to nurse him, rock him, and pray with him. I got to homeschool him, teach him to read, encourage his business adventures, and listen to his heart. I got to participate in his joys and sorrows, successes and failures. I laughed with him, cried with him, and watched him grow and take flight. I wouldn't trade being his mom for anything in the world, even if the party was to end much sooner than I expected. Being grateful doesn’t eliminate the tears, it balances them.

Knowing it was God's plan releases so much of the anxiety and the questions. I don’t have to understand. I can rest.

Lord, remind me to be grateful and rest in your plan. I know it must be huge. I trust you to redeem this whole horrible ordeal for my good and your glory. I give the pain that I simply cannot bear to you to carry for me. I ask you to replace it with your peace. Thank you that You know all the answers, even when I don't. In the name of Jesus, my strength...Amen.

Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."

*Names changed.